the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
