Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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