I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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