at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
