We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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