Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
