3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
