And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
