My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
