When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
