So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
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