Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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