The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
