Swine flu is the new snow day.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
