today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
