I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And my parents said I crawled through the house
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
