And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
