just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
These tits shall not be calmed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
