Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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