I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
