I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
