My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
