i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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