I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
