dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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