The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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