well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
