Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
