Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
