All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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