Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
