i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
