im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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