Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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