i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
