My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
