he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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