Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
