if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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