I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
