I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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