Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
