I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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