my phone needs a breathalizer
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
