***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
