Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
