I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
