Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
