I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
