I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
