your thong is hanging out like whoa
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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